Words of Wonder: Resting into the nature of experience & giving up the fight

Choosing to stop doing something that isn’t working anymore is a proactive step of exercising discernment, agency and skill - which is very different from giving up (although it might be described as giving in, whereby the thing you're giving into is the enteric brain's call to stop and surrender to rest).

"Giving" is an interesting prefix to both phrases and ideas - giving up and giving in are, in common parlance (in the context of the mechanistic approach to human life and worth), viewed as modes of defeatism. This, however, is a limited and limiting (and in fact, defeatist) point of view. Instead, how about coming back to the original notion of the word "give", and to consider surrender as a gift of compassion that restores rather than depletes our resolve?

This came up in a recent conversation with a writer who I’m coaching through the process of editing and finalising their book for publication. Though it applies to anything we set out to do or achieve or attain.

We were talking about how and when it's okay to stop, when you’ve reached a point where you know in your gut as much as your heart and mind that you are utterly spent, having given all you feel you can to the process.

In this particular scenario, the writer had already intuited the right thing to do was to allow their work to be done, but felt the external pull (i.e. the pathological call of productivity and the finger-wagging of capitalism’s overseers) to keep going – to strive for perfection, for more, for better - while knowing this was beyond their energetic capacity, hence the inner conflict and cognitive dissonance.

It’s understandable that we get to feeling this way – when our reserves are low, and we’ve invested our heart and soul into something, we’re in a vulnerable and tender position, the ideal time for the (mind and societal) demons of perfectionism and self-doubt to take hold.

But this feeling may be more of an indicator towards a deeper truth as opposed to the surface criticism of the socialised mindset. That’s why times like these present an opportunity to take back the reins by pausing to honestly and compassionately consider what the most skilful next step is, in view of all that has come before.

This particular client was worried that by deciding to not rewrite and edit part of their manuscript for the nth time, they were “giving up” – a negative, punitive framing that on reflection, and with my encouragement, they realised was the voice of an internalised critic, when their true self was actually telling them at a sensory and wise level that this part of the process was good enough and complete.

Hence my advice – that choosing to stop is not the same as giving up. Not that there is anything wrong with surrender or giving up. If anything, when stopping, we might consider that we are giving up a fight we need not have.

There is more power, a reclamation of power, when we decide that we know enough is enough, and that’s good enough.

This theme of rest, of allowing, of responding kindly and wisely, has been coming up a lot for me lately. Looking back at the notes I’ve gathered these past few weeks from the books I’ve read - which hasn't been many because I spent much of February preparing for retreat, then retreating, and then integrating (hence resting) - I see there is some synchronicity there – which I take as a unifying sign that this is the way; to positively give up the struggle, and consciously give into the restorative power of doing less.

(Co)Incidentally, this is the theme of my next offering, Rest & Write, a 6-week programme of restorative practices including Yin Yoga and Yoga Nidra, combined with reflective writing, to nurture and awaken our creative wellbeing. More on that here - check it out and consider coming along.

Onwards, into the words….