On reclaiming my power

Hello friends, it's been a while, how have you been?

Me, I've been on one mind-bending and heart-swelling trip of a life-changing time. Specifically, I spent the last week of February in retreat, receiving the benefits of sacred plant medicine and deeply impactful Buddhist teachings and practices, lovingly and respectfully administered by beloved teachers, in the company of a dear Dharma friends.

The work we did was deep - diving into old patterns and loops of thought, emotion and behaviour, to open up to the truth that lies beneath and within, when the smeared shield that builds up over a lifetime is removed. In other words, it's been a revelation to fully feel into and see (rather than cognize, intellectualise or explain away) my innate goodness, or Buddhanature, or untainted mind (insert whatever label means something to you, the point being it's about the experience not the labels).

This past week or so, I've been taking it slow and steady, in order to assimilate, integrate and contemplate the affects of the practice. It's proving very illuminating, re-empowering and re-affirming.

I felt called to share a few digested thoughts on what’s been coming up.

One, because of the power of authentic expression, which as you know if you've been here with me for any length of time, is central to my work as a writer, editor, coach, mentor and facilitator.

And two, because there are many among us who due to the somewhat unavoidable (but reparable and reversible) impacts of life itself, especially intergenerational and ancestral trauma, dosed up by social conditioning and the pernicious subliminal effects of white supremacy and patriarchy, might have been led to feel or think along similar lines.

In short, as per one of my oft-repeated phrases to friends who need a friendly reminder – f**k that sh**. It’s time to take back the power.

So here you go, a pithy capture of some newfound spirited fierce love that is happily infusing the way I relate, work and live:

No more dampening my fire in anticipatory defence to pacify others – for a long time, I felt and suppressed the intensity of my rage, partly because early experiences of expressing it led to unjust consequences for me rather than various perpetrators. Resistance and rebellion wore me down, so I learned to hold it in and hold back, and redirected that rage towards other causes, while minimising the need to fuel my own path with fierce love. Not anymore.

No more minimising my needs for the sake of others – there is room for both and sometimes the first needs to come first, and that is more than okay. The urge to save, heal and fix is born of myriad complex causes and conditions, none of which need to be damned or decried. We do what we do because at the time, it felt right and appropriate. And now it’s time to change.

No more playing small or doubting my power or my voice – the strongest among us can fall prey to the intensity of the noise of dominant and overbearing energies. It is not a sign of weakness to feel small, it is the result of impositions and inculcations such as conditioning, trauma and patriarchy. Minimising our presence or our voice can be a form of (albeit naïve or misguided) protection. Nonetheless, fuck that, enough is enough.

No more tolerating time wasters and cockwombles – see above. This is possibly my new favourite semi-cuss word: cockwomble is British slang for an obnoxious, or foolish person, often white and male, who thinks far too highly of themselves, imposes themselves into spaces and conversations, with inappropriate and stupid comments and behaviours. In other words, a complete moron (one of my other favourite words) and a buffoon.

No more internal shit talk – see above.

No more second guessing myself – I know my stuff, I know myself, I always have, I feel it to be true and that’s good enough. I do not need the validation of others, especially not socially approved or normative narratives, to justify, approve or minimise the truth as my intuition and heartmind sees it.

Invitation to contemplate:

And now over to you: as we approach the turning of the seasons towards Spring (in the Northern Hemisphere, though these contemplations are relevant at any time in the interests of living intentionally, conscientiously and authentically), what do you need and desire, to say yes/no to, to change, to take back your power?

Feel free to share in the comments. Something I know to be true from all my years using different modes of expression for my own sake and when working with others is the healing, galvanising and connecting power of sharing out loud - there are often echoes in our words and parallels in our experiences, emotions and thought processes that can help to draw out different threads for each and all of us. And in doing so, our reflections can illuminate, inspire and elevate our individual and collective heartminds.

That's all for now, until next time, may all of us who need the benefit, feel the power and the potential of fiercely loving ourselves back to wholeness xx